Col. Mustard did it!

I stood up. I hammered my fist on the table like I was making my case. I was on the attack. I was every 60s and 70s lawyer and crime fighter that I had seen on my family’s grainy TV set. I was Perry Mason, Jim Rockford, Quincy and many more all wrapped up into one.

“It’s Colonel Mustard. He’s the killer.” I shouted because that’s how most TV show protagonists seemed to break open whatever case they were investigating. I took a long pause and let the words echo through the kitchen. I picked right back up. “He did it with the lead pipe in the Dining Room.”

Oh, it looked and sounded official. My pajamas with little blue football players probably didn’t add much to my air of legitimacy. I’m sure the glass of Hawaiian Punch that nearly spilled on the Clue box when I hit the table and bowl of potato chips probably made the scene even more comical.

But hey, truth, justice, and the American way, right?

Open and shut case

In my fictional little world, the alleged criminal would be read their Miranda rights. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law” and would be shipped off to jail, never to be seen or heard from again. Oh I have to admit that I have no idea how this particular game of Clue played out. Who knows? However, I suspect my alleged suspect was back out on the street within the hour.

In my haste to be the Clue winner I often took shortcuts and would miss on a key element. I didn’t mean to bypass the truth, but my older brothers rarely played with me and when they did it was usually something like basketball or wrestling and I stood little chance of winning. With Clue I actually had a shot of winning. I had to throw caution to the wind and take a few risks.

Instead of the lead pipe, it would be the wrench or the revolver. Likewise, instead of the Dining Room, the murder would have been in the Conservatory or the Study. Imagine Law & Order’s Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) and Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni) getting the killer but failing to collect the key evidence to put him or her away. No, they wouldn’t be detectives for long. They would be kicked off the police force or demoted to beat cops in no time.

Of course, my brothers would gloat about my incorrect guess. I would cringe, but I was still happy for the chance. That’s my long way of saying, I know a thing or two about the game Clue.

Throwing the book at ’em

For those new to it, Clue (or Cluedo) is the 3–6 player murder mystery board game where players act as suspects, move throughout a mansion and attempt to be the first to deduce who murdered the game’s victim, the weapon used, and where the crime took place. Players use critical thinking skills and strategy to eliminate suspects, weapons, and locations to solve the crime.

The classic Clue characters are Miss Scarlett, Colonel Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Professor Plum, Mr. Green, and Mrs. White, iconic suspects in a murder mystery, each representing a distinct archetype (sultry, militant, political, intellectual, conniving, servant). More modern versions have replaced Mrs. White with the scientist Dr. Orchid, while others, like the VCR game, introduced characters like Madam Rose, Sergeant Gray, and Miss Peach.

Updated for a new generation

The game was first manufactured in the United Kingdom in 1949 and has been updated numerous times over the years. I have some thoughts on changes to make to Clue for a new generation of gamers.

Classic Clue – Characters	Brian’s Version of Clue
Miss Scarlett: The alluring actress or femme fatale.	Miss Scarlett: One of The Real Housewives of Orange County. She knows what she wants and she’ll run you over to get it.
Colonel Mustard: The military man, often athletic or militant.	Colonel Mustard: A Rapper or Hip-Hop artist who goes by the name The Colonel for short. He loads up on the bling and drives a bright honey mustard yellow Bugatti.
Mrs. Peacock: A sophisticated, often political, socialite.	Mrs. Peacock: An influential media mogul, former talk show host, actress, producer, and philanthropist, along the lines of Oprah Winfrey, but known for her sneaky and underhanded ways.
Professor Plum: An intelligent but sometimes stuffy academic.	Professor Plum: A blowhard Fox or CNN network news anchor or news analyst. He’s got a conspiracy for everything. Most times he’s full of hot air, but he knows how to ruffle people’s feathers.
Mr. Green: A shrewd businessman or socialite, often with questionable connections.	Mr. Green: Billionaire tech guru. Think Mark Zuckerberg or Jeff Bezos. A man with money to burn.
Mrs. White: The housekeeper.	Mrs. White: A WNBA star or Wimbledon Tennis Champion such as Caitlin Clark or Serena Williams.

Classic Clue – Weapons	Brian’s Version of Clue
Candlestick	Poison: Quick, silent, and deadly.
Dagger or Knife	Knife: Used in roughly 10 percent of homicides each year.
Lead Pipe	9 mm Glock: Glock pistols were recovered at crime scenes nearly twice as often as the next leading manufacturer in 2025.
Revolver or Pistol	Compact 9mm submachine gun: A Micro Uzi. Enough said.
Rope	Explosives: With a timer it allows for a timely getaway.
Wrench	Club or Hammer: Simple, powerful and forceful.

Classic Clue – Rooms	Brian’s Version of Clue
Kitchen & Dining Room	Kitchen & Dining Room
Ballroom	Dance Floor & DJ Booth
Conservatory & Study	Game Room and an Indoor Mountain Climbing Wall: high-tech gaming gear with cozy, functional social spaces. Lots of places to hide a body.
Lounge	Home Theater: A large flat-screen TV mounted on a textured feature wall, theater surround sound, and comfortable seating including plush sectionals and recliners.
Billiard Room	Library: A dedicated, multi-story space designed to hold more than 4,000 books.
Hall	Bedroom: A huge bedroom able to comfortably fit an Alaskan King mattress, a sitting area, a walk-in closet, and a custom bathroom with a huge bathtub.

Who knows maybe this game update will kick start a new generation of “Book ’em Dano” or “Just the facts, ma’am” crime fighters. What do you think? Maybe it will generate enough buzz to rollout a new Clue movie. Do you remember playing the Clue as a kid? How would you update the game to make it pertinent to the current day?