Confusing rules

Grammar is a such strange thing. It looks so easy. You think you’ve figured it out, you think you know the rules, and then something comes up out-of-how-no-where and you need to follow a completely different rule. Who can follow all that? I know I can’t. 

I’ve worked as a newspaper reporter. I’ve written speeches and presentations for corporate executives. I’ve made a couple of attempts at writing a novel. But yet, all these years later, the rules still sometimes get me. Here’s a few of them:

–Affect vs Effect. As a young reporter, I could never figure out these two “problem children.” I always seemed to pick the wrong one. In an effort to avoid them altogether, I would use “impact.” I thought I had gamed the system, until an editor called out on my lazy writing, pointing out that impact implies a collision. He asked where the crash was and when I couldn’t tell him, he lectured me on using the correct word. “Affect” is usually used as a verb, while “effect” is usually a noun. While this is all good advice, I still can never figure it out. Ugh.

–Bi-annual vs. Biennial. “Bi-annual” means twice a year; biennial means once every two years.

–Everyday vs. Every Day. “Everyday” is an adjective; “every day” is a phrase that means “each day.”

–Farther vs. Further. I can never tell the farther and further from each other, but all I know is that I’m getting farther/further from figuring them out. “Farther” is used to refer to physical distances, while “further” is used more to refer to figurative and nonphysical distances. In addition, “further” can also be used as an adjective or as an adverb to mean “additionally.”

–Lay vs. Lie (vs. Laid). Yea, I never get this, so I’m not going to lay or lie, I’m just going to fall asleep where I’m at, the hell with good grammar.

–Semicolon use. I get how to use semicolons in a series. That’s nice and easy. When it comes to two independent clauses, really? How about we just use two periods? Let’s not make this more complicated than it needs to be.

–Who vs. Whom. If you can replace the word with “he” or “she,” then use “who.” If you can replace the word with “him” or “her,” then use “whom.” Oh, #$@!%. Who created this stuff?

Notice that I did not include They’re/Their/There or Your/You’re or Its/It’s. I may be crazy, but I got them down cold. Of course, I’m sure I’ve butchered two or three grammar rules in this piece, forget about every other piece I’ve written this week.

Oh, the joys of the English language. I guess this just means it’s time for me to learn a new language.

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