A Top Gun Dogfight Over A Furniture Store Showroom

The fighter pilot spotted the intruder immediately from 50,000 feet. “I’ll take this one,” he said into the mic, letting the rest of the squadron know that he had things handled.

The squad commander called out, “Be careful Cowboy, take it easy on them. They look to be newbies.”

“Oh I will, trust me. They’ll never see it coming. Can’t wait to get my next kill.”

“They’re called customers Cowboy, maybe even sales, certainly not kills,” another pilot in the squad, Zephyr, chimed in.

Oh, this conversation was entirely imaginary, of course. But it’s exactly what I pictured happening behind the scenes when my wife and I recently braved a local furniture showroom. I even had Kenny Loggins’ song Danger Zone from the movie Top Gun playing in my head. We were on a dual mission: our son will be moving into an apartment this fall and needs a small sofa, and our own living room set is desperately starting to show its age. We weren’t in a hurry to buy—just gathering intel and scouting options.

It’s Not The Plane It’s The Pilot

So, let’s get to the point of the matter: we were fresh meat. We had “rookie buyer” spelled out across our foreheads. We knew that we wanted to stop at maybe a store or two, but we were nowhere ready to make a purchase. But we also knew that sales folks would attack on sight.

We walked into the first store and I could hear Miles Teller from Top Gun: Maverick scream into his headset. “Bogey in the air, bogey in the air, we have a bogey at two o’clock high, where’d he come from?”

My wife and I have contrasting approaches to this type of thing.

• My approach? If I could get away with it, I would avoid eye contact entirely. I don’t see you, I don’t see you, I don’t see you, I chant internally. Since total avoidance isn’t socially acceptable in polite company, I keep it short when approached. I’m not mean, but I establish boundaries fast: “We’re just looking, we aren’t buying today, and I’ll call you over if we need help. Thank you.” Short, sweet, matter-of-fact.
• My wife’s approach? She’s chatty, she’s talkative. Within seconds, she’s on a first-name basis with Ben, Stewart, Sally, or Wendy or whatever the sales person’s name is like they’re best friends. She laughs at their lame jokes about us getting out of the hot sun, and before I know it, the two of them are trading crumb cake recipes and life stories. I just put my hand to my forehead, look down, and keep walking.

Luring The Prey In For the Kill

Fortunately, the sales people at both stores generally kept their distance. One guy—of course my wife took his business card, so I know his name was Nick—even brought us small bottles of water. He hovered just out of reach, waiting for me to crack and ask about the difference between the leather reclining sofa and a second one in brown fabric.

“Oh, thanks for the water, that’s awfully nice sir. Now get lost sucker!” Okay, okay, I didn’t let that last part slip out, but I wanted to say it. I so wanted to say it. (Yes Mom if you’re reading, yes, I know you brought me up better than that. The other readers know that too. There’s no need for me to say it again, but just in case, here you go.)

I wish we could just order everything online. For our son, we probably will; he just needs something cheap and maybe even used for his apartment. Anyone throwing out a sofa they don’t want anymore? It doesn’t have to be fancy. It just needs to do the job. But for our own house, I need to actually see the piece and physically sit on the sofa. Oh, the dilemma of first-world problems.

I’m Gonna Take The Shot!

After a few minutes of browsing, I heard Cowboy over his mic again: “I’m going in, enough of this playing around, I got my missiles locked and loaded.”

As he swooped into position, my wife and I rose to the occasion and executed a flawless evasive maneuver. We veered left, cut back right, headed straight for the front of the store, and burst out the door. As the door swung shut behind us, I heard Cowboy yell to his wingman, “Oh crap, they fired back! I’m hit, I’m hit, I gotta eject!”

“Damn customers,” Zephyr sighed. “Guess you weren’t in control after all, Cowboy.”

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Alright, let’s hear from you

Are you a ‘stealth mode’ browser who avoids eye contact at all costs, or do you end up on a first-name basis with the sales team like my wife?

I want to know too. What’s your ultimate move for dodging high-pressure salespeople? Share your best evasive maneuvers in the comments below!

Kenny Loggins – Danger Zone

Top Gun: Maverick – Final Dogfight