Mysteries of Life – Hospital Edition

The hospital waiting room was full of people and I knew that I had a long wait, so I walked the hall to an empty spot with a couple of comfortable chairs that gave me a good view of everyone coming and going and some peace and calm. I felt off my game. My wife’s was in the hospital getting a procedure and I needed some time to myself.

I found myself thinking about a few Mystery of life Questions. Let me know what you think:

–When did the hospital gift shop become a cross between Sharper Image, Five Below, and Target? I expect some flowers and get-well cards, but, oh, I got that and then some. There were neck massagers and foot warmers, karaoke machines and party speakers, headphones, candles and humidifiers, an Iron Man mask, and several miniature Monster Trucks. There were light sabers and puzzles, brightly colored balloons and mylar smiley-faced ones. Let’s say none of it was what I expected. I came close to surprising my wife with an adorable, three-foot high white unicorn. The selling point were three stars, pink, purple, and teal, but I walked away empty-handed (see pictures below.) I could have scored for every mistake I ever made, but, oh, well, maybe I’ll get it next time.

–There was a parking garage nearby, where you could park for free, but for the visitors who wanted more service, there was valet parking. I get the allure for some folks and I get the need for a big city hospital, but I’m talking a small regional one. When did hospitals go “Kardashian?”

–As I waited and thought more about the gift shop, I wondered, who came up with the idea of unicorns? “We’re going to have a beautiful, mythical, white horse and we’re going to put an ugly horn smack dab in the middle of its head.” Really? 

–What do you do while you’re waiting in the hospital? You try not to look at the other people waiting and instead scroll endlessly through your phone. Everyone is busy with their phone like they’re a big time gambler trying to get their Kentucky Derby bet in before the start of the race or a stock trader trying to make or break their million dollar fortune before the 4 p.m. close or some important GM of a sports team at the trading deadline. What’s everyone really doing on their phones? Looking at stupid cat and dog videos. Of course, I started to scroll and came across the scene from the 2008 movie, Marley & Me, where Owen Wilson’s character says goodbye to his dying Labrador Retriever Marley. “You’re a Great Dog, Marley. A great dog.” It gets me every stinking time. “What’s with the stranger sitting by himself over there bawling his eyes out? Oh, what a shame. He must have gotten some really bad news from the doctor.” Ugh.

–Why does a wait in the hospital feel like a ten-year prison term? A prison sentence or waiting in the hospital? Which is worse? Which are you choosing? The prison term would stink, there’s no getting around that, but at least I might get time-off for good behavior. 

–Okay, the wait at the hospital can drag on, but the “people watching” at the hospital is without par. You see all types. Scruffy types, well dressed, too-cool-for-school types. Annoying old people, annoying young people. And you know what, kind-hearted old people and kind-hearted young people.

–I have a suggestion that will make hospitals ten times more popular and fun: Wheelchair races. You can have different divisions. The Patient Division would probably be the most fun, but you could have a Professional Division too. Who wouldn’t want to go to the hospital? Friday night at the hospital races! It might even become a draw. A regular weekly place to visit? Hospitals might get more volunteers that way. And what better way to help cut down on the high price of medicine. Who’s with me? 

–Little babies and dogs should have free rein in the hospital. In fact, There are too many sad faces. Colleges bring out emotional-support animals at final exam time. Hospitals should have a whole zoo of dogs and cats to come out and help patients and waiting family members. I grew up with the lesson that “cleanliness is next to godliness,” but attitude goes a long way toward healing too.

–As I looked at the balloons in the gift shop, I found myself wondering, who came up with the idea for the smiley face? 😊 Yea, yea, I know, Forest Gump. Well, I wonder who really did and if the inventor’s descendants look at the emojis on smartphones now and say, “We want a piece of that.” 

–Why are directions in hospitals so bad. I swear I was in places I shouldn’t have been and never came close to the places I was supposed to be, and each time I was following the directions that someone had given me. I get why the directions are bad, many hospitals have been built on and added on over the years, but that doesn’t explain the signage. I was in T or the Teal Section but where was the S or U sections? Nowhere to found. Yes, kind of crazy.

–After sitting for what felt like forever, I went to grab something to drink. I was shocked when I saw a can of Monster and some other high caffeine, high sugar, energy drinks in the concession area. This is a hospital, right? But what really hit me, when I hit the lever for Coca-Cola. What happened to Real Coke? Yes, all these years later, inquiring minds, like me, still want to know.

–Here’s the crazy thing about hospitals and the state of today’s medicine, we all eventually need them.

I missed my chance. The gift of a lifetime.