Why didn’t anyone tell me?

I’m a mess. My days are numbered. They’re ticking off in front of me. If that weren’t enough, I’ve learned that I’ve been wronged. At least according to the guy on TV who claims that “people with a lawyer always get more,” I’m missing out on what’s rightfully mine. Who knew? 

A few weeks ago, I came down with a cold and headache and took a short break from work. I closed my eyes for a few minutes, but the quiet seemed to make things worse, so I turned on the television. In the span of thirty minutes, I sat through three miracle drug commercials, two advertisements for lawyers, and a plethora of other pitches. 

Here’s what I learned:

–I need Rinvoq to fight moderate to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and Eliquis to treat and prevent blood clots and to prevent stroke. I didn’t know that I had problems with with either issue, but the actors in both commercials were so convincing. The guy in the Eliquis commercial used medical terms that sounded kind of scary, but when the camera zoomed in close, he looked so solemn and trustworthy. He wouldn’t lie to me, would he?

–Finally, I need Pataday Once Daily Relief Allergy Eye Drops by Alcon. I’ve been missing out. No wonder I’m a mess. “For relief, beyond belief.” I’m sure that once I start taking these drops and making “everyday a Pataday,” my whole life will change for the better.  

It doesn’t end there. It gets worse. 

–I learned that I’m missing out on thousands of dollars, because I’ve failed to get LundyLaw on my case. After watching the commercial, I spent the rest of the day thinking of all the lawsuits I need to submit. Oh, the guy who interrupted me in that meeting the other day and pooh-poohed my suggestion, he’s going to be hearing from me! I’ve got LundyLaw on my side now!

–It’s not just my physical health, my mental health has taken a beating too, because I haven’t pulled up Fanduel Casino or the Stardust Online Casino on my phone. I’ve been missing out. Oh, I could be playing Blackjack and Roulette, chat with other players, and “tap into the golden age of gaming.” If that weren’t an incentive enough, I could play risk-free up to $1,000. 

Let’s go baby, let’s put it all on red. 

Finally, I’ve learned some really personal things too. Please don’t think less of me. Here goes:

–I learned that my friends don’t like me because my dishes don’t shine. I haven’t had any friends over to my house — thanks to the global pandemic — but that doesn’t matter. If only, I started using Cascade, then I would get my friends back. 

–I learned that my shirts have collar stains and I really need to start buying Gain for the “seriously good scent.” My life is about to be changed! 

But here’s the thing: Why didn’t anyone tell me I was a mess? Thank goodness for day-time television. Oh yea, I learned that Drew Barrymore and Wendy Williams really want me to join them next time too.

Oh, the amazing the things you learn watching a little TV. However, something tells me I would be better off taking the advice of my old English teacher and spending my time going for a walk in the park or woods or reading a good book.