The Sweet 16 of Halloween Treats

Let’s get ready to ruuumble.

We’re looking live at the Candy Land Arena. It’s that time of the year again. Every one has a sweet tooth and the arena is jumping, it’s the NCAA Tournament, World Series, and Super Bowl of Candies. We’re here for the 2021 Halloween Candy Championship. Folks, you’re in for a real treat.

Let’s get busy. Kicking us off today in the East Region is #1 seed Snickers versus #16 seed Candy Corn. Yes, Candy Corn is looking for an upset. They’ve been talking about it all week, but they have a tough hill to climb. Since the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament expanded to 64 teams back in 1985, a 16-seed has beaten a 1-seed just once, when the underdog University of Maryland Baltimore County Retrievers shocked the world by taking down Virginia. The same holds true in the land of sugar and spice and everything nice. You have to go back to the early sixties to find the last time a #16 beat a #1-seed when Candy Buttons upset the expected tournament winner, Tootsie Roll LollyPops.

Candy Corn has tradition, the support of grandmothers, but it goes down today with little fight. Have you tried Candy Corn lately? Yes, the best place for Candy Corn is straight out of the bag and into the garbage, out in your yard to keep away little critters, or in your compost pile. We’ll pass. 

Switching to the West Region, we have #2 seed Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup going up against #15, an oldy, but a goody, Popcorn Balls. And, just like that, Reese’s crushes Grandmom’s finest. It’s downright ugly. Um, can we get a clean-up crew on aisle five! It’s not a pretty sight.

In the third match of the day, #14 Skittles comes out strong. They filed a formal protest over their low ranking and requested a recount, but the Candy Land League Office denied their request. Skittles’ corporate lawyers claim their ranking fails to take into account their total sales and brand name appeal. No matter what, they’re fighting mad.

In the early going here, Skittles is giving #3 seed M&M’s their money’s worth. It’s a doozy of a fight. M&M’s is really taking a beating. M&M’s likes to say “It melts in your mouth, not in your hands.” Well, that may be the case most days, but it’s melting all over the ring. Skittles has M&Ms against the ropes, there is a flurry of punches. M&M’s keeps switching from regular to peanut brand M&M’s, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. The next thing you know, down goes M&M’s, down goes M&M’s. Skittles goes to a neutral corner, but M&M’s is not getting up. We have our first upset of the 2021 Candy Tournament. The crowd is going crazy.

Here’s the rest of Day One:

• #4 Kit Kat over #13 Baby Ruth. The Babe was caught looking on three straight pitches.
• #5 Hershey’s Chocolate over #12 Sour Patch Kids. In the end, it’s an easy call. Milton S. Hershey and “The Great American Chocolate Bar” over gooey kid’s stuff.
• #11 Butterfinger upsets fan favorite #6 Starbursts. Butterfinger looks comfortable playing the villain in this tournament. When the match was over, Butterfinger pointed its finger like former NBA All Star Dikembe Mutombo and said, “No, no, nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!”
• #7 Charms Blowpops, the hard candy shell lollipop that turns into bubble gum, in a close one over #10 Twix.
• #8 Laffy Taffy against #9 Crunch Bar was more competitive than some might have expected, but ended when Laffy Taffy threw a Banana flavored uppercut and crunched the milk chocolate and crispy rice candy bar into next week.

Day Two:

One step closer to our final four: 

• First on the card, Snickers vs. Laffy Taffy. When Frank Mars created the Snickers bar in 1930, it’s doubtful he ever thought his candy would be battling for the title of the world’s best Halloween candy. But who knows? He’s the same guy who named his candy bar after one of his favorite horses. Horse or no horse, Snickers moves ahead on another easy fight.
• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup vs. Blowpops. Hershey’s chocolate and peanut butter mixed together vs. a lollipop? Try again next year Blowpops!  
• Skittles vs. Butterfinger. Skittles looked like it was still recovering from its surprise upset over M&M’s and falls easy to Butterfinger’s layered crispy peanut butter core covered in chocolate. Butterfinger looks to be on a roll. 
• Nestle’s Kit Kat vs. Hershey’s Chocolate, in a battle of brooding siblings. Kit Kat, the chocolate-covered wafer bar confection was created in the United Kingdom, and is now produced globally by Nestlé, except in the U.S., where it is made under license by a division of the Hershey Company. So, we have brother against brother, but, in the end, a cool cat, who goes by the name Kit Kat, won the battle. 

Day Three: 

And then there were four. 

• Snickers vs. Kit Kat. The two behemoths, the number one and fourth best-selling candy bars in the U.S. enter the ring. This is the best that competition can get. It’s Borg vs. McEnroe in their prime; Barcelona vs. Real Madrid; the Boston Red Sox vs. the New York Yankees; Ohio State vs. Michigan; the Boston Celtics vs. the Los Angelas Lakers. As you would expect, the two candy conglomerates feel each other out with jabs. Snickers misses on one punch and takes a blow to the head. Kit Kat can smell the win and throws a flurry of dark and white chocolate surprise punches at Snickers and the champ goes down. Kit Kat for the win.
• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup vs Butterfinger. The crowd is on its feet for the battle of the Peanut Butters, but the fight is over before it even started. The ref questions rumors that Butterfinger messed with its ingredients a few years ago, but it doesn’t matter, Reese’s Cup knocks out Butterfinger to advance to the championship match.

Day Four

Winner take all, who will it be? 

• Will it be the heavenly pairing of peanut butter and chocolate that is the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, the second highest selling candy bar in the U.S. and also the highest-selling candy bar at Halloween!

• Or will Kit Kat’s wafer and chocolate combination rule the day.

Trick or treaters will win either way if they find these two candies in their bags. And who wins today? Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, of course. You can’t beat two naturals, it’s like peanut butter and jelly, milk and cookies, and a hamburger and fries. They just go together.

So that’s it for us, so long from Candy Land Arena, and have a safe and happy trick or treating. Happy Halloween.