Forget the Meaning of Life—Why Do Wasps Exist?

When I get to Heaven—hey, I’m thinking positive here—I have a few questions for the Big Guy, the all-knowing one. You know, the “Mystery of Life” questions we all have.

Some are heavy: Why is there pain and hurt? Why does one person live while another dies? What’s the purpose behind specific historical tragedies?

Those are all valid, but I’m also talking about the other big questions. The everyday mysteries that hit me all the time:

—The Great Burger Debate: The Big Mac, the Whopper, Dave’s Single, ShackBurger, Double-Double, or Five Guys? I need a divine ruling once and for all.

—A Great Get-Away? When the Supreme Being, the Creator, God, whatever you want to call him or her, needs to get away, where does he or she go? I have my favorites. You have yours. What about the divine one? Beach, mountains, or somewhere else?

—Soccer or Football: Soccer rules most of the planet with billions of fans, but American football and the National Football League, which kicks off its new season tonight with the New England Patriots versus the Seattle Seahawks, owns our weekends. Okay, maybe I’m talking like a close-minded American, but c’mon, it’s an important question. Which game is on the Big TV in the sky? I can’t help but feel like the Almighty appreciates a crushing quarterback sack when the game is on the line.

—The Sock Portal: I lost another sock in the washer the other day. Where is the alternate dimension where all these missing socks are hanging out?

—Selective Memory: Why does my brain vividly recall an embarrassing moment from elementary school? I can feel the cringe. My neck gets red to the touch just imaging the moment. Yet I completely forget why I just walked into the kitchen. What’s going on here?

—Wasps: Why, just why? You could ask the same about spiders, cockroaches, and a myriad of other bugs and animals, but wasps make me feel personally targeted. I swear they’re out of get me.

—Great ’70s and ’80s Unsolved Mysteries: Sure, we eventually learned Kristin Shepard shot J.R. Ewing, but I still have real questions. Whatever happened to D.B. Cooper after he parachuted out of that Boeing 727 with $200K in cash? What really went on inside Area 51? And where are the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot hiding out? Are they world-champion hide-and-seek players, or what? What’s up with the Bermuda Triangle? Is it real or a hoax?

—Lines that never go down: Why does the line you switch to always immediately stop moving? Is there a divine traffic controller playing a game of psychological chicken with us? It happened to me just last week going through security at the Philadelphia International Airport. One lane was moving a little faster than the others. I pick it and, of course, it shut down to a crawl. Really God, are you trying to tell me something?

—PC or Mac? When St. Peter is checking that Master Invitee List at the Pearly Gates, is he running Windows or macOS? And if it’s a PC, how many times a day does Heaven have to restart for a system update?

—Goofy vs. Pluto: In Disney’s universe, they’re both dogs! Let me repeat that, they are both dogs. Why does Goofy get a turtleneck, pants, and a house, while Pluto has to walk on all fours and wear a collar? What did Pluto do to deserve that setup? Poor guy.

—The Superhero Debate: Batman’s mind, money, and skills, or Superman’s powers and weaknesses?

—Tupperware Lids: You buy six matching containers. Two months later, you have eight unmatched lids and four lidless bowls. How does that math even work?

Look, I’m sure St. Peter has a whole queue of people asking about the secrets of the cosmos and the ultimate meaning of life. But while everyone else is getting the grand tour of the place, you’ll find me in line asking for the definitive word on Five Guys versus In-N-Out, and why wasps exist. Priorities, people.

What about you? What’s the single most ridiculous, everyday mystery you’re planning to bring up in Heaven? Drop your questions in the comments—I might just need to add them to my list.