The Best Show in the Airport Starts After Midnight

When a heavy rainstorm rolled in late last week, leading to flash flooding and low visibility, my flight home from Florida was cancelled and I found myself spending the night in the airport. Some people might call it a waste of time, but I learned a lot from the experience.

The Late-Night Arena Tour

First, I watched a worker come through and string up bright yellow tape, meticulously cordoning off the center of the concourse. He and his partner were precise, making sure no weary traveler was able to stray into the zone. Next, they used a remote control to position a heavy-duty cherry picker. Setup out of the way, they went to work, one by one replacing the burnt-out lightbulbs near the top of the soaring ceiling.

People pay a small fortune to fill arenas for Cirque du Soleil, Stomp, or the Blue Man Group. These workers didn’t have flashy outfits—just standard construction garb, including one guy wearing a glowing neon vest. But judging by the crowd gathering around them, they could’ve charged a pricey admission.

A few lightbulbs. That was it. Yet you had men and women, young and old, and especially little kids watching with their eyes wide and mouths open. Who said Mickey Mouse is the only star in town? Here’s to being ten years old again.

At one point, I’m pretty sure I heard a collective ooh and ahh from the onlookers as the operator maneuvered the bucket, dipping it gracefully to miss a support beam before elevating to the other side. Everyone tried to act casual, but every single eyeball in the terminal was glued to the performance.

It turns out that was just the opening act. Later that night, okay, really late that night, I laid eyes on my new dream vehicle.

The $35,000 Speed Demon

When people talk about dream cars, they mention Bugatti, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Mustangs, and Corvettes. Yeah, yeah, they can eat my dust.

Sure, kids love the flashy sports cars. But my next ride is going to be a little tamer, though damn fine all the same! What it lacks in top speed, it more than makes up for in zero-turn maneuverability and pure, unadulterated swagger.

What kind of machine am I talking about?

An industrial, ride-on airport floor scrubber.

Another worker swept through the terminal piloting what looked to be a Kärcher B 110 R—a heavy-duty beast built for sweeping out massive warehouses and airport concourses. A quick web search revealed it tops out at a staggering 3.8 miles per hour. Go ahead, mock me. Four miles per hour is nothing, you say.

Well, a top-tier industrial ride-on like that runs anywhere from $26,000 to over $40,000 depending on the disc configuration and battery package. And boy, did this thing move. The driver was turning on a dime, leaving a gleaming trail of dry tile behind him. And yes, he stole the whole room — at least the few people still awake when he drove through my section of the concourse.

I haven’t broken the news to my wife yet, but when my SUV finally gives up and we start talking about a replacement, I know exactly what’s going in the driveway.

I’m going to be the envy of every person in the neighborhood. Who’s with me?