There Oughta Be a Law (And I Have a Few Suggestions)

When I was a kid, my parents watched the CBS Evening News every single night. Walter Cronkite would sit behind his massive anchor desk and, in his calm, authoritative voice, update the world on the day’s events. Inevitably, whenever Cronkite touched on a serious earthquake in a far-off land, a crooked politician going to jail, or some other chaotic event, my dad would point a finger at the TV and say, “There oughta be a law against that.”

My dad passed his “there oughta be a law” mantle down to me. And yes, I’ve been keeping track. If it were up to me, we’d be immediately introducing a slew of new mandatory licenses. See if you agree:

1. The Dodgeball Waiver

The Offense: The Big Red Balls of Death used in middle school and high school gym classes. Remember them? It’s hard to forget. You’d get clipped by one of those rubber balls and you were lucky to remain upright. A shot to the side of the head felt like a sledgehammer to the head. We worry now about concussions. Back in the day, the gym teacher simply made a check next to your name and told you to get back into the game. At the very least, gym teachers should require kids—and parents—to sign a liability waiver before stepping into the firing zone.

2. The Mega-RV Endorsement

The Offense: Driving a literal apartment building on wheels with a standard Class C license. While we strictly license commercial trucks, anyone with a standard driver’s license can buy a massive, 20,000-pound RV or tow a giant trailer. Handling those things requires entirely different driving dynamics. Yet, Uncle Bob can coast down a 6% mountain grade with zero training. Um, hello? Love Uncle Bob and everything, but have you seen the guy drive?

3. The Anti-DIY Restraining Order

The Offense: Watching three episodes of an HGTV show and picking up a sledgehammer. I always laugh when TV “DIY experts” casually tackle complex electrical or structural work. It doesn’t take a mind reader to foresee the fatal fires, electrocutions, and house collapses waiting to happen. Let’s use some common sense, people. Step away from the load-bearing wall.

4. The 10-Year Parenting Permit

The Offense: Walking out of the maternity ward with zero supervision. When you have a baby, the nurse checks to make sure your car seat is installed correctly, hands you a diaper, and says, “Good luck!” C’mon, that’s crazy. We are talking about raising human beings! There ought to be a law that a nurse follows you home for the first ten years. Five years at a minimum. We should require something. A license. A course. Something. All I know is that I walked out of the hospital with three precious babies and there’s no way that should have happened!

5. The Office Kitchen Law

The Offense: There is currently no law that says you can’t microwave leftover seafood at work… but there absolutely should be. Penalty: Mandatory desk relocation next to the dumpster.

Who’s with me? What new laws should be enacted?