The reward of stepping back

My natural reaction sets in. I want to jump in and get results. I want to take charge. I want to give a few directions and solve the problem, large or small. If need be, I want to throw good old hard work and some elbow grease at the problem to make it go away.

But times have changed. It’s not my problem.

It’s my kid’s problem.

The challenge with parenting is that “the little shits” — pardon my French and my loose mouth — grow up. They start out as these little cherubs who need you and come to you for their every need. They look at you with their big expressive eyes and you’re ready to run through a brick wall to eliminate whatever problem they’re having.

As a dad, you love this stuff. It’s what we train for. It’s what we live for. I’m not talking about helicopter parenting. I’m talking about basic meat and potatoes parenting. Your kid is having a problem in school. Let’s talk to the teacher to see if we can get some tutoring help. Your kid likes baseball. Let’s go outside and play catch. If they really like it, you sign them up to play with their friends in a rec league. It’s using the “Big Brain” God gave us to help smoothen the journey.

When parents become gross

And then the kids get older. Instead of coming to you, they run from you. They want to be left alone. Parents become the last person a kid wants to see. Kids start treating their parents like they need to be quarantined. They put in their headphones, pull up their hoodie, and give you the cold silent treatment. They run to their room and come out only when they want food or money. You demand respect and they give it begrudging, but there’s still a chill in the air.

You hate this stage. You wonder when Spring will take over for Winter and warmer temperatures will ease the freeze. In the end though, it is what it is.

The cool thing is that at some point, they start to come back to you. I’m talking years here. They out of the house now. They’re on the cusp of big things. I’m talking growth and maturity here. It starts slow. It’s baby steps. It’s kind of like the little engine that could. It’s slow at first, but over time the train starts to build up steam.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

You look up and for the first time you see a grown adult staring back at you. They have big people challenges. They’re sheepish at first. They don’t come out say “hey dad what do you think?” Heck no, that would be too easy, that would be too simple. Instead, we have to take the long way around the problem.

They come to you with small snippets of problems. You laugh to yourself. They look like adults. If you didn’t know them and saw them on the street, you’d think they were fully functioning adults. But the question shows their rawness and how challenging life really can be.

• “Hey dad, in your first job after college, did you have to fight to be heard?”
• “I gotta look for a new mattress. Do you have any suggestions on what to look for Dad? What brands would you suggest?”
• “How much do you pay for electricity? Why is my bill so high?”
• “So I’ve been reading up on home mortgages. If I would take out a loan on a house, how long would I have to pay the PMI – the private mortgage insurance? Do you know anything about that Dad? Why is that even a thing?”

Good things come to those who wait

I see the ball coming toward me. I want to try to hit a home run. I want to swing for the fence, but instead I try for a single. I try not to takeover the conversation. I tell myself to be patient, to let the conversation build slowly over time. I’ve learned that it’s best to take it step by step and be patient.

And sure enough when I’ve let things happen, when I’ve been patient and unassuming, I’ve been rewarded. The conversations meander and go in a million different directions. And sure enough, they come back a few weeks later, or even a month later. And then later they come back again and again for advice, counsel . . . and the Holy Grail, to just talk.

From those small steps, from that blooper hit up the middle, it becomes a talk between friends.

And then the sky is the limit. But it takes a lifetime to get to this point. Oh yes, the joys of parenting — it’s not for the faint of heart.

What has your experience been with grown children? What has worked for you?