Wiping away the tears

When Dick Vermeil took over coaching the Philadelphia Eagles in 1976, he ran one of the toughest training camps in the league. This was back in the day when NFL coaches ran football training camps like boot camp. The Eagles would practice in pads and equipment for hours at a time two or three times a day. Other teams might beat the Eagles, but they weren’t going to outwork them.

Vermeil was tough as nails. However, underneath that gritty exterior, he had a soft side.

He routinely hugged his players and wasn’t scared to show his emotions. In fact, when he resigned after the 1982 season, burned out and exhausted, he broke down in tears. He felt bad that he had let his players down. Here was a powerful man, a builder of men, crying uncontrollably on camera. When I saw clips of the press conference as a teenager, I was confused. I couldn’t put my finger on why it struck a chord. Years later I realized that he was the first man I ever saw cry.

Oh, I saw my mother cry. She can cry at the drop of a hat. Yet, I never saw any men in the community cry. I certainly never saw my dad cry. It’s just the way it was. One evening, I watched horrified as my dad came centimeters away from cutting off his thumb on a radial arm saw. How’d he react? He laughed about it. There wasn’t a tear in sight. But, seeing a sports tough guy cry? Now that was a first.

Crying is good for the soul

Oh, yes, I was told growing up by teachers that everybody cries. I got bloodied and bruised when I crashed my bike. Tears were fine. A doctor tried a procedure that was supposed to flush my ear of wax, but ended up causing excruciating pain. Tears were encouraged.

The adults all said that crying was a normal part of life. And they were right. Crying is a reflex in response to a strong emotional experience. It’s usually a reaction to sadness, but it can also be brought on when we’re happy or angry. Despite crying being a common behavior, there’s still much we don’t know about it.

I know because, well . . . I’m a crier.

I’m not weepy or mournful. I have just always been the sensitive type. I’m passionate about my beliefs and empathetic toward others. When I feel things, I feel them deeply. When I say that I’m on board with someone or something, I’m really on board. Movies, songs, books all have the power to bring a tear to my eyes. My tears come in slow dribs and drabs, but when they come, they come in full. If I’ve been under stress and holding things together by the skin of my teeth, they can be especially robust.

Let it rain!

For example, I watch the scene in Marley and Me where Owen Wilson as John Grogan leads his family outside to mourn their deceased dog Marley. I’m on the edge of my seat. When Jennifer Aniston as Jenny Grogan calls Marley “clearance puppy,” I think about all the dogs I’ve loved. I see Nittany, our Lhasa Apsa – Bichon mix who died last winter. Her eyes light up in a big smile. She’s a rambunctious puppy again. The pains she had at the end of her life are a distant memory. I see Shep the very first dog my family had. Her head is held high and her fluffy fur looks beautiful in the Autumn breeze.

I feel my heart beating faster. I focus on Wilson. I watch his every move. I try to recall funny lines from his movie, Wedding Crashers. I come up empty. I see the Grogan kids say their goodbyes to Marley. And with that, the damn bursts. Tears fall down my face.

Touching all the right buttons

It’s not just movies about dogs that pull at my heart strings. It’s serious ones too, like Goodwill Hunting and Schindler’s List. I merely repeat what Robin Williams says to Matt Damon’s character in Goodwill Hunting. Damon’s character has experienced horrible things in his life. Williams’ line is a simple one. “It’s not your fault.” And my throat tightens.

It’s even made-for-TV movies. When I was a kid, two in particular hit me like a brick. The first was Something for Joey. The story of Penn State University running back John Cappelletti breaking down into tears himself as he gives his Heisman Trophy to his little brother Joey suffering with Leukemia. Joey would later die from the disease. The second one, Brian’s Song, the movie about Chicago Bears teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers and Piccolo’s battle with cancer, brought on the tears too.

It’s always been this way.

Connecting with others

Music has a similar effect. A few years ago, I left work to pick up my daughter from college. Mike and the Mechanics old 1980s ballad, The Living Years, came on the radio. Lead singer Paul Carrack sang that he wasn’t there the day his father died. He didn’t get to say all the things he wanted to say.

I couldn’t help but think about my own father. I remembered the good and the bad. I felt like I could have written Carrack’s words.

“I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I’m sure I heard his echo
In my baby’s new born tears
I just wish I could have told him
In the living years.”

Cry your heart out

I’ve laughed over the years at my sensitive nature. I poke fun of it. But, it makes perfect sense that I’m this way. I’m a writer and storyteller. The emotions that help me create are the same ones that bring on extreme happiness and sadness. They help me tune into others’ emotions and situations around me. I couldn’t have one without the other.

Yes, I was told that it’s okay to cry, but society still has its limits. Men are told subconsciously to watch the amount of tears they have and where they have them. Tears up on the podium after a lengthy career in the NFL, yes, that’s fine. Tears in a meeting? Tears after a tough day at work? Hmm, it’s probably best Brian that you take that home where no one else can see them.

A shoulder to cry on

Yes, society sends out confusing messages about crying. A little is okay. Cry too often and you’re tagged with being a crybaby. It took me a long time to land in a good spot. When I was young man, I would’ve avoided talking about crying. I would’ve run from writing this post like the plague. I didn’t need to be macho or masculine. I felt sure of my manhood. However, I didn’t want to be considered weak either. The years have changed me.

I realize now that despite what the baseball coach Jimmy Dugan says in the movie A League of Their Own, there most certainly is crying in baseball. We just don’t always want to admit it to ourselves or others. If you look close enough, it’s there. Like life, tears of joy and tears of sadness are there. They’re always there.

You just need to look for them.

So, yes, I’m familiar with the unspoken rules on etiquette and decorum that we all face. But I’m determined to live my life on my own terms. I try to live with balance and that means some laughs . . . some smiles . . . some tears . . . and some great memories too.

I prefer a life well-lived!

Have you ever been told to rein in your emotions? Have you been told to stop crying? How did you react?

. . . . .

“Words are tears that have been written down. Tears are words that need to be shed. Without them, joy loses all its brilliance and sadness has no end.” —Paulo Coelho

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” —Washington Irving

“Those who do not weep, do not see.” —Victor Hugo

“I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.” —Charlie Chaplin

“How much did it hurt? It was like a million paper cuts on my heart.” —Jennifer Mathieu

“Tears are how our heart speaks when our lips cannot find the words to describe the pain.” —Unknown

Goodwill Hunting – Matt Damon and Robin Williams

Mike + Mechanics – In the Living Years

Images by Pexels.