If we had never met!

My wife and I were packing for a weekend away recently and I asked her if she had seen a pair of my missing dress shorts. “Do you know where my gray shorts are?” I asked. “You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones you got me for my birthday.”

“Oh yes, it’s my favorite job in the world, keeping track of your clothes,” she said. I picked up on her message right away. The message was clear as day. In no uncertain terms she was telling me to go to the laundry room and look for my own “damn” clothes.

My wife likes to tease me about how I wouldn’t survive long without her. Of course, she’s right, but it’s my duty as her husband to keep her on her toes. I steal from Country Singer Lee Brice’s 2011 song A Woman Like You and give her some gentle grief back. In the song, the narrator is asked by his wife what he would do if he had never fallen in love with her. He lists out several hobbies and pastimes he’d pursue without her.

In similar fashion, I like to tell my wife that if we had never met:

—I’d spend my weekends watching College and NFL Football. I’d have season tickets to the Philadelphia Eagles games and I’d have NFL Sunday Ticket and be in five different fantasy football leagues.

—I would meet up with the guys and have beers after work. I would become a craft beer and bourbon expert. “Yes, I’ll take a glass of Pappy Van Winkle bourbon, maybe a cigar too.”

—I’d have an amazing sports car sitting in my garage. Perhaps a Porsche 911. I hear they’re pretty nice.

—If I felt like writing at 3 a.m. I’d stay up and write at 3 a.m. If I felt like writing at noon, I’d write at noon. I’d be able to write whenever I wanted.

—I would get together with friends and play golf several times a week.

—I’d attend concerts and shows whenever I wanted. Bruce Springsteen, I’m there. Foo Fighters, definitely. Zach Bryan, Billy Joel, Taylor Swift, you name them, I would have front row seats.

Image by Pexels.

Oh, but like the song, the truth is a different story. Brice sings that if he had not fallen in love, he would be “looking for a woman like you.” The same is true for me:

—I like watching sports but I tire of it too. I get frustrated by missed calls and the craziness of it. I find fantasy football boring. I have to root for the running back playing against the team I’ve loved all my life, so that my fantasy team scores more points. Oh, the heck with that.

—I’m an introvert. I’d much rather spend time at home than with a large group of people. I like the occasional beer or bourbon, but I’m no expert and I don’t care to be one.

—Oh, a Porsche 911 would be nice. Okay, really nice, but where do I have to drive?

—Oh, I would love to have the free time to write, but I write now. I can’t imagine I would write all that much more. Plus, my wife is my first reader. I can’t imagine not having her there to read my stuff. I want to be a better writer because of her. Without her, it wouldn’t be the same.

—I’ve never really liked golf. I’ve gone a few times, but I’m just not a big fan. Why would I want to play more of it?

—Um, concerts. Unless Bruce is playing in my back yard, I’d have to deal with traffic, large crowds, and the concert wouldn’t end until well past my bed time? No way!

Oh, without my wife, I’d be lost. I’d be an absolute mess. I love her for everything she brings to our lives.