December’s long crawl

The minute-hand on the clock ticks off slower in December. I have never tested it, but trust me, I know this to be a fact. You think I’m kidding? Ask any kid and they’ll tell you. They’re experts at time and they know: December is the slowest month of the year.

December is slower than the slowest turtle. It’s like walking in quicksand with a 50 weight tied to your hip or climbing a steady uphill in swimming fins or flippers. It’s slower than watching paint dry, hair grow, or a politician enjoying the sound of their own voice giving a rambling hours-long speech. It’s painstakingly slow.

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Bring it on

You call my bluff? You say May or June when school ends are slower months. Oh you silly goose. Ha, ha, insert evil laugh here. Yes, time seems to stand still during those months, but it’s just one day, the final day of school. In contrast, December has a gauntlet of triplets.

First, December takes its sweet old time coming after Thanksgiving. The final days of November seem to take forever. You’re a kid in school and you think you’ve hit mid-December, but you look at the calendar and see that it’s just December 1.

If that weren’t enough, most schools in the U.S. this year have school until Friday, December 22. When I was a kid, my mindset was always like, “Really? Do we really have to go to the bitter end?” Of course, I ran into a friend the other day, who’s a teacher, and he mentioned that he’s hanging on by his finger tips. Good grief, when I was a kid, could someone have please told me that teacher’s didn’t want to be in school either? I’m not sure that it would have made any difference, but it would have been still nice to know.

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The big finale

If kids have survived those two giants, they think they’re in the free and clear, but not so fast, Quick Draw McGraw. There’s still Christmas itself. Christmas Eve is a festive, fun day. Yes, that’s all true, but you still need to be patient. The big finale still takes time. You still need to be on your best behavior. Do you know how hard that is for a kid? Okay, do you know how hard that is for me an adult?

Yes, yes, the clock seems to run like molasses in December. It’s never an easy ride, but it brings a wonderful prize at the end.