I Smell a Racket: Shakespeare, Tip Fees, & Other Modern Cons

When I worked as a small town newspaper reporter, we used to come up with rackets that bugged us. It was our own little way to get back at whatever challenged us that day. A local politician or police chief wouldn’t give you a quote for your story? Of course, he or she made the list. You got stuck behind a school bus on your way to work? Oh that certainly went to the top of the list.

To be clear, not everything we threw out there could be technically defined as a racket—case in point: Santa Claus giving out toys; Girl Scouts hitting you up for cookie sales going into and coming out of your local grocery store; and movie trailers that left little to the imagination. But you get the idea.

I long left the newspaper world, but I’ve still been keeping track of the slights and rackets that bother me, and I’m adding to the list.

I’m not talking about the obvious political ones—yes, Donald Trump, or the political spinmeisters in Washington, D.C. I’m talking about the regular people, corporations, and institutions that we all have to deal with in our daily lives.

Here are the latest additions to my master list. Who is with me on these?

1. The Corporate “Pickpocket” Division

Skyrocketing costs. The cost of everything—including groceries and housing—has gone up. Medical care, hospital services, and prescription drugs have consistently outpaced general economic inflation for decades, with medical prices growing roughly 40% faster than standard inflation since 2000. It’s more than just that recent trip to the doctor’s office, though. Nationally, the average annual full-coverage car insurance premium has jumped a staggering 78% over the last 10 years, according to the Consumer Price Index Information Office.

Billionaires. Of course I gotta add them.

Concert Ticket Service Fees. You find a ticket for $100. By the time you hit checkout, it’s $147.50. They tack on a “convenience fee,” a “processing fee,” and a “facility charge.” What exactly is the convenience here? I am doing the printing or adding to my app, I am using my own internet connection, and the “facility” is the place I am already paying a premium to enter!

Printer Ink. It is genuinely cheaper to buy an entirely new, brand-new printer than it is to buy a replacement set of name-brand cartridges. Printer ink is legally more expensive per ounce than fine champagne or high-end perfume. To make matters worse, the machine will completely shut down and refuse to even scan a digital document if it thinks it’s running low on cyan. And who names colors cyan? Call it what it is, bright greenish-blue. Total racket.

2. The “Who Agreed to This?” Files

Hotel and Airbnb Reservations. Standard hotel check-in in the U.S. typically begins between 3:00 and 4:00 p.m., while check-out is often required as early as 10:00 a.m. on your departure day. If you need more time, you can ask for a late check-out, but availability varies and you’ll most likely be charged extra. Back in the 1970s and 1980s, standard hotel check-in times were generally earlier, usually between 1:00 and 2:00 p.m., while check-out times ranged from 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. This downward chronological spiral is most definitely a racket.

The “Default 20%” Tip Screen at Self-Service Kiosks. You grab a bottle of water yourself, walk up to a counter, slide your card, and the iPad flips around asking if you’d like to leave a 15%, 20%, or 25% tip. For whom? The machine? Are we tipping the algorithm now? It’s a psychological guilt-trip racket.

Specialty Greeting Cards. “When you care enough to send the very best.” Sure, but splashy greeting cards that cost more than $9 or $10 are definite rackets. I’m a greeting card lover; I still send actual, handwritten notes. But ten bucks? Who is buying these?

Hearing Aid Costs. I’m not kidding—this one really is a criminal racket. Traditional medical insurance coverage often categorizes hearing aids as “elective” devices, resulting in limited or no coverage. To make it worse, the average out-of-pocket costs run from $2,000 to $7,000 per pair. Only nine states mandate that commercial insurers provide adult hearing aid coverage: Arkansas, Connecticut, Illinois, Maine, Minnesota, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington. And yes, I’m going to be moving to one of these states. It’s crazy that basic human hearing is considered optional by insurance adjusters. Give me a %?$@& break!

3. The “We’re All Being Tracked and Robbed” Files

Coca-Cola & Pepsi. When is the last time you had a cola soft drink that didn’t have one of these two names plastered on the side of the can or bottle?

Artificial Intelligence. Everyone worries about AI taking away their job. No, no, no, AI doesn’t want your job. You’re completely safe there. Instead, it wants to take away your soul. It’s taking over the world. Have we learned nothing from The Terminator (1984), The Matrix (1999), 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), or WarGames (1983)?

Online Gambling Sites. FanDuel, DraftKings, Caesars Online Gambling, BetMGM Online Gambling, and all the online gambling sites have made an absolute killing in recent years. If they’re winning, someone else has to be losing. Hmm, I wonder who that could be? Possibly all the young males from 18 to 25 years old who visit those sites? Hmm.

Space Travel. To infinity and beyond! Space travel has become a massive corporate playground in recent years, with Elon Musk’s SpaceX regularly launching professional astronauts and private, commercial passengers into orbit. However, I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. Sci-fi books have been around forever. Heck, when I was a kid, one of my favorite books was Danny Dunn and the Anti-Gravity Paint (1956) by Jay Williams and Raymond Abrashkin. After accidentally creating anti-gravity paint in Professor Bulfinch’s lab, Danny and three others get trapped in a spaceship heading out of the Solar System. They showed Musk exactly how to do it. C’mon, Elon, give Danny his due!

4. Famous People (and Family Members) Who Get a Free Pass

William Shakespeare. The English playwright and poet has been dead for more than 410 years, but his work remains immensely popular today. He is studied by students worldwide and his plays continue to be adapted into major films. He has to be a racket, right? How is he consistently more popular than current bestselling masters like Stephen King, James Patterson, and Colleen Hoover? C’mon, I smell a massive historical conspiracy by English teachers and their brethren. Who’s with me?

Leonardo Da Vinci. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but let’s think about this one. The guy’s talents supposedly extended to art, science, and engineering. He gave us the Mona Lisa, The Last Supper, and notebooks filled with sketches of flying machines, early tanks, and detailed human anatomy. Sure, he’s remarkable, but I have to wonder: Was it all real, or did he just have an incredible Renaissance PR firm backing him? Was it all him, or was it smoke and mirrors? My guy Denny from down the block has some pretty cool sketches and inventions too, but I don’t see his name plastered all over the internet. I’m thinking Leonardo just knew who to pay to get his name in lights.

Pet-care Businesses. Fido is fine. He doesn’t need another 100% natural, low-temperature, hickory-smoked beef marrow bone that costs the same as a down payment on a house. His crummy old bone that he keeps taking outside to hide in the dirt will do just fine. In fact, Fido is probably eating better than me.

Grandmoms (Period). This one could be controversial, but let’s talk facts. They load your kids up on sugar and then hand them right back to you. They run away scot-free. They can do absolutely no wrong. They told you “no, no, no” when the cool toy came out when you were a kid, but they are the first ones in line to buy it for the grandkids. Hello, Grandmom? All wholesome and angelic. Yea right, you’re killing me here!

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Over to you . . .

What about you? What everyday racket drives you absolutely up the wall? An iPad tip screen or getting stuck behind a local school bus or something else entirely? Drop your additions in the comments below—let’s build the ultimate master racket list.

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Protesting life’s little wrongs . . . at least on paper