12 Rounds in a Three-Piece Suit

Traffic is ground to a halt. We’re inching forward a few feet at a time. My wife and I left plenty early so I know we’re not going to be late, but I’m still annoyed. The clock in my head is ticking double time.

I finally look up at the billboard closest to me and break out into a laugh. It isn’t all that funny or amusing; my laugh is more of the sarcastic variety.The billboard features an older gentleman — I presume the lawyer who would take my case if I had one — dressed in an expensive-looking suit with his fist up in the air. He’s got gray hair and a bit of a paunch. In deep, bold font, the text proclaims: “We fight for you.”

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The guy in the $3,000 suit and cufflinks is ready to go 12 rounds in a dark alleyway for me? He’s ready to put everything on the line for little old me? Aw-shucks! What a great guy. I can’t help but think to myself, “Um, you don’t look like you could withstand too many make-believe fights, let alone a hard punch to the face, but thank you man.”

Then I see another ad: “Someone in your corner.” I didn’t even know I was in a ring. I didn’t even know that I was in trouble. All these legal eagles ready to go to the mat for me. Wow, now I’m really touched. I might even be drawn to tears. I feel so honored.

It hits me though. Hey guys, can we think of some other fighting idioms? I get that personal injury lawyers need to sell their wares, but can we at least make it interesting? I’m stuck on a major interstate highway that connects the far Western Suburbs with the Walt Whitman Bridge and South Philadelphia and my creative juices start firing away. The ideas start coming out one after another.

I imagine driving another day, hitting the bumper-to-bumper traffic, and seeing:

• Out For The Count. Honest, but maybe a tough sell.
• Coming Out Swinging.
• Roll With The Punches.
• Put Your Opponent On The Ropes.
• Taking Off The Gloves.
• Bobbing and Weaving. It might be a little touchy for some of the more ethically challenged firms, but I’m sure they could figure a way around it.

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• Delivering the Knockout Punch.
• Putting Up Your Dukes.
• Saved By The Bell — Perfect for when they get you off on a technicality at 4:59 PM on a Friday.
• No Holds Barred —  Sounds fierce, until you realize the guy on the billboard looks like his wildest night involves a decaf chamomile tea.
• Down For The Count — A bit of a risk for a medical injury claim, but hey, high risk, high reward.

Yes, these phrases probably wouldn’t help bring in too many clients, but they would at least make the drive into the city a whole heck of a lot more interesting! I sure would remember the name of the law firm.

C’mon, guys, live a little. Who’s with me?