If my dog had a cellphone

Stand-up comedian and actor Pete Holmes jokes that if his dog had a cellphone, he would have 382 missed calls.

I’m thinking that works for granddogs too. For the next few weeks, we’re watching my son’s 11-month Old English Bulldog while my son prepares for his college final exams. Panzer is great puppy, but he can be a handful. In particular, Panzer doesn’t like to take a backseat to anything. So if by some miracle Panzer got a hold of his own cellphone, I’m pretty sure this is how he would use it:

—Leave 198 messages asking for my wife to call in sick to work. “You’re in the car. You’re not working. If you loved me, you’d take the day off work, ruff, ruff.”

—Call my son to tell him that we’re not feeding him enough kibble. “They’re shortchanging me dad. They’re being big meanies. Come get me now.”

—Call the local Animal Control Officer claiming malnourishment and poor treatment. “They expected me to go to the bathroom before they gave me a treat. How rude is that? It gets worse. They didn’t like it when I started to rip up my bed. These people are heathens. Can you believe them!”

—Spend hours playing popular mobile games — Roblox, Candy Crush Saga, Free Fire, Block Blast!, and Subway Surfers. Waste money on in-app purchases for added game benefits and extra lives.

—Listen to the The Baha Men version of “Who Let the Dogs Out” on repeat for 500 straight replays. “Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who, who?”

—Write anonymous letters to Amazon, the United State Postal Service, and FedEx complaining about their delivery drivers.

—Try to call Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Petco and Chewy asking for more toys to play with and bones to eat.

—Put in an order for the delivery of a 100 pound bag of food, a state of the art treadmill, and a huge wall-sized painting of Dogs Playing Poker.

—Stream Homeward Bound, One Hundred and One Dalmatians, Marley & Me, Old Yeller, Scooby Doo and Lassie movies — in each dogs are the heroes.

—Use a GPS app and tape measure on the phone to determine the best spots to hide bones and toys in the neighborhood.

—Chew on it, of course. The dog bites and chews on everything. The phone would be ripped to shreds. The last pet shop we went promised that the bone we were looking at buying for him would last weeks. Maybe even longer. They’ve obviously never met a pup like Panzer. He had that sucker done in minutes.

—Put in a Dominos Pizza order for a large pizza and a bottle of Coke. The dog is always hungry.

Holmes jokes that “you look for your cat, you hide from your dog.” Shhhh, I’m hiding from Panzer. Don’t give away my hiding spot.

Pete Holmes – If my dog had a cellphone.

Homeward Bound

Marley & Me