Living large! A long life!

I’m a goner.

The odds are not looking good for me. Here’s what I mean. Take a look at some of these facts that I’ve collected from across the web.

–Around the world, women live longer than men. Some research suggests that women may have a natural advantage due to factors like the double X chromosome, which can compensate for potential gene mutation. This is true not only for humans, but also for many other mammals. In fact, female mammals live an average of 18.6% longer than their male counterparts. 

–People in Monaco, Japan, and Singapore live the longest. Monaco may be the second smallest country in the world, but its citizens live an average of 89.4 years. Where does the good old U.S. of A stand? We suck. We have a lifespan of a mere 80 years. Oh brother, that’s strike two.

–In the U.S., people in Hawaii tend to live the longest. A significant portion of residents in Hawaii report eating fruits and vegetables daily, and a large percentage have access to parks or schools within a short distance. Yes, mark that down, reason #551 why I need to move to Hawaii or Florida or somewhere warm and sunny.

–People who keep a healthy diet, exercise and have access to healthcare have the lowest mortality. I knew it, I knew it, those extra pounds are killing me. If you haven’t been paying attention, that’s gotta be strike three for me. I’m a goner, just biding my time until the grim reaper or merchant of death or angel of death, or whatever you want to call death, comes knocking on my door!

–Several other studies have pointed to marriage as helping people live longer, but who the heck knows. One recent study found that people who stay single for their entire lives may live the longest. Oh great, just when I thought I had something going for me, they take it away.

–Another study found that people who live the longest tend to have positive attitudes, are emotionally aware, and are conscientious. They also tend to have good social networks, eat a plant-based diet, and exercise regularly. Let me repeat that. Good social networks, positive attitudes, and exercise regularly. That doesn’t sound like me at all. Oh, just shoot me now.

There are lots of things against me. But I’m going to follow Mark Twain’s lead and remind anyone who will listen that “my death is greatly exaggerated.” I have a one huge factor in my favor! Yup, it’s called the revenge of the short people.

Bet you didn’t know about it.

While the relationship between height and longevity is complex and not fully understood, some studies suggest that shorter people may, on average, live longer than taller people. Take that Randy Newman. Remember him? He was the singer songwriter who wrote the 1977 song, Short People, as a satire on prejudice in our culture.

It may have been satire, but tall kids in my school in 1977 sure had a lot of fun with it!

Anyway, as my luck would have it, Japanese, Hong Kong, Chinese, and Greeks, who are generally shorter and lighter, have been among the longest-living populations. For once, my smaller size is helping me.

Oh, I can’t figure it out. Living or dying . . . the hell with it. I don’t care. I’m taking it one day at a time.

Randy Newman – Short People