Trying on new shoes

Two couples live next door to each on a cul-de-sac on a peaceful suburban street. They’re friendly and everyone waves to each other as they come and go. They’ve each been married for twenty-some years and have two kids, a boy and a girl. One house has a Golden Retriever, the other a Labrador Retriever. Their homes are cookie cutter cut-outs of each other with two-car garages, big yards, and in-ground swimming pools in the back.

In both houses, one spouse commutes into the city and the other has a ten to fifteen minute drive around the corner. They have bills they pay, but they take vacations and splurge on Christmas and gifts for each other. They work and spend their weekends driving the kids to events and getting ready for the week ahead.

The two families alternate each year hosting Super Bowl parties; they have sparklers and small fireworks in the yard each Independence Day; and get together every holiday. Their kids walk together to their school and the mothers both volunteer with the same Parent Teacher Association.

They gotta be alike, right? Similar issues, similar problems, right?

More than meets the eye

If you had a chance to be the proverbial fly on the wall, what would you find? What would you learn?They’d the same, right?

I’ve seen enough to know that the truth couldn’t be further from the truth. My life experiences and having grown children of my own have shown me how different the circumstances can be. Families face all the problems that we see and hear on the news and social media.

One family may be hanging on by a thread. There may be talk of divorce or separation. They may be trying to help a loved one with an opioid addition or facing bankruptcy or financial ruin. A spouse or child may have sexual identity questions and considering “coming out.” Family members may be trying to help a mother or father in hospice. They might also be managing a parent’s move to an assisted care facility. Another family maybe trying to overcome a teenager who was victim of a trauma.

We assume that we know what’s going on in the home of our acquaintances and friends. We assume that the one couple we regularly see at the store or high school and who are always immaculately dressed are loaded. We never think that they’re “paying Peter to pay Paul” just to keep the mirage in the air. We make broad assumptions and often times we never really know what’s going on.

When you assume . . .

Yes, we never really know what’s going on in other people’s homes. I find that I often have to step back and realize that we’re all carrying burdens and traumas that no one else knows. I find that I give sympathy or excuses for my own burdens but fail to think or consider what someone else may be going through in their own lives.

It’s a classic line. It still holds true today: You can never judge another until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. You never know what struggles or burdens another person is carrying.

My mother used to remind me of this advice as a kid when I would get jealous of what someone else might have: a new toy, a trip they took, a movie they saw that I wasn’t allowed to see, it didn’t matter. She would often remind me that I had no earthly knowledge of what was going on in their home. It was a tough pill to swallow, but she couldn’t have been more correct.

We just never know. I write more about keeping our assumptions and misjudgments at bay in my post Before You Judge on the Heart of the Matter. In particular, I write about my experience working with a new guy who I assumed I had pegged. Boy, was I wrong!

Related stories:

• Before You Judge on the Heart of the Matter.
• This I know — Version 2.0
• Parents: It will all work out!
• Walking in Mary’s shoes: The birth of Jesus!