Reading other people’s thoughts

In the films, What Women Want (2000) and What Men Want (2019) the main characters played by Mel Gibson and Taraji Henson respectively, get the ability to hear what the other sex is thinking. They become comedic mind readers so-to-speak.

When I took my wife to the hospital recently for a routine procedure, I had something kind of similar happen to me. I tripped walking through the hospital metal detector, slipped on the wet ground, accidentally shocked myself and spent the rest of the day waiting on my wife, listening to the thoughts of everyone who passed near me, both male and female.

It sounds kind of crazy, but I kid you not! And oh, the conversations were out of this world, indeed. Of course, as the good observer that I am, I dutifully documented everything I heard. Read ahead at your own peril:

—The tired looking priest walking with a small notebook through the waiting room: “I’m getting too old for this crap. Oh, my aching back. The Ladies’ Auxiliary Bingo Money is looking pretty good right now. I gotta call my travel agent. ‘Hello, yes, I’d like a one-day ticket to Turks and Caicos.’ And hmm, yes, yes, I really need to check on the extradition process back to the US.”

—A surgeon walking by in scrubs: “I wonder if people would let me operate on them if they realized that I can’t find my way around the hospital without a map? I get lost every darn time I’m on the first floor and have to find a restroom.”

—The nursing mother looking for the lactation room: “Why do they put these rooms in the hardest to find places. Good grief, can they put this in a more out of the way place. And please make it not smell like a stale lunchroom. It’s a lactation room, not a place to eat your lunch, c’mon people, have some manners!”

—A male and female EMT shooting the breeze:

• The male EMT: “Oh great, Sheila’s going to set me up with her friend Suzanne. We have so much in common. Oh, my lucky break.”
• The female EMT: “Suzanne wouldn’t give Rodney the time of day, they have absolutely nothing in common, but I think Becky might like him. I’ll definitely bring it up to her tonight.”

—A hospital employee pushing a patient via a wheelchair: “Joe in the Maintenance Office said they changed the wheels on these wheelchairs. I wonder if I would give ole Mrs. Walters a heart attack if I kicked it up a notch or two and raced up and down the hall. What do you say, Mrs. Walters, let’s take this baby for a spin!”

—Mrs. Walters getting out of the hospital: “Why is my attendant so slow? I could walk faster than he’s pushing. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. If he speeds up, I still might have time to catch up with the girls and make the bus to the casino. Baby needs a new pair of shoes.”

—Little boy walking with his mom: “Hey look at that gift shop, that looks cool. Why are we walking past it. Mom, mom, look at the cool lights and stuff they have there. Hello mom, we need to stop. I wonder if I have a meltdown right here, will we stop and go inside? Hmm, I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

—The volunteer playing A Whole New World on the white baby grand piano: “Do these people realize that I was the third alternate on the traveling Aladdin show? I was a hop, skip, and a jump from playing on Broadway. Do they stop and listen? Do they recognize the brilliance in front of them? No, no, no. I gotta get a better gig.”

—The same, tired looking priest I saw earlier in the day, now leaving the hospital: “Forgive me father for I have sinned. How could I ever think of stealing from those little old ladies? Oh my dear. And Lord if you could help Mrs. Jones, she could use your help too. Thank you.”

Oh, I can’t say if any of these stories are true, but it kept me busy for a long, drawn out wait, so I’m sticking with them.