The Love Boat and how I drive my wife crazy

When I was a kid in the late 70s, my mom would turn on the TV on Saturday night and I knew right away as soon as the perky opening jingle starting playing what was in store.

“Love, exciting and new
come aboard, we’re expecting you.
Love, life’s sweetest reward.
Let it flow, it floats back to you.”

Of course, it was the theme to The Love Boat.

“The Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure
Your mind on a new romance.”

The Love Boat was an American romantic comedy series that originally aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986 and spawned various TV movies and specials. The series was set on the cruise ship, the MS Pacific Princess, and revolved around the ship’s captain Merrill Stubing, played by Gavin MacLeod, his crew, and the adventures of passengers played by guest actors. The series along with Fantasy Island was part of ABC’s popular Saturday-night lineup of the time and staple in my home.

The show definitely erred on the side of corniness and campiness, but it was hard not to like. Like many kids, I had a crush on the ship’s Cruise Director Julie McCoy, played by Lauren Tewes. The show and its sunny destinations made me want to travel to faraway places. I learned later in life that love was a lot harder and more rewarding than The Love Boat made it appear, but I guess that got lost in the fine print.

“Love wont hurt anymore
Its an open smile on a friendly shore
Yes love…
Its love…”

I couldn’t help but think about that show recently when I was considering some of my little idiosyncrasies that drive my wife crazy. If only the Love Boat had covered these on the show, I might be a better husband and friend to my wife. Here’s a few of the traits or things I do that drive her crazy:

—Joke when she doesn’t want to laugh. She was in the hospital recently for a procedure and the doctor asked if she was feeling any pain. The doctor set me up. I couldn’t let the chance go. Right on key, I said, “Oh, yea, she’s been in pain since the day she married me.” The doctor paused, looked concerned, and then looked at her and then at me and then back to her and in a no-nonsense, sober voice said, “Besides that of course.” I thought for the briefest of seconds he was going to look at my wife and ask her if I was annoying her and then raise his hand like we were in a fancy restaurant and gesture with two fingers like a waiter or maître d’ and call for security to escort me out of the hospital. Whew, that was a close one.

—Get Impatient. I’m miserable when I’m late. That would be bad enough, lots of people are impatient, but when I’m late or can’t find something, I tend to make everyone else around me feel my same pain. “Help, we’re late. We’re never going to get there on time.” Everyone needs a little drama in their lives, right?

—Snore. I can’t control my snoring, but I inevitably start snoring the loudest the week when she’s having problems sleeping.

 —Let take-charge Brian take-over. Solution Brian sometimes gets in the way of kind, caring, listening Brian. Okay, let’s change that “sometimes” to “oftentimes.” Oops.

—Be unfeeling and tease her with “the voice.” I call it my teacher or mother voice. It’s a voice that sounds nothing like her, but I’ll mimic what she says and she gets annoyed to no end. Of course, I think it’s funny as hell. It cracks me up every time. I’m working on stopping, but it’s a hard habit to break. (One good thing about the voice, if I ever veer off and try stand-up comedy, the voice will play a big part in my routine. I suspect I’ll be the only who gets it, but you have to be willing to laugh at yourself, right?)

—Give her a non-answer. Where do you want to eat? “I don’t know. I could eat a burger or you know what I could really go for is a salad, but it’s the weekend, I’m in the mood for something fun. What about you?”

—Give her a bunch of yeah, yeahs. I spend a lot of time during the day on video conference calls. Inevitably my wife will call me on her way home from work. It’s a really lovely sentiment. What’s she get on the other end of the call? “Yea, what do you want?” If I do answer in a somewhat cordial answer, she’ll get this, “Yea I had a nice day, how about you?” Makes you want to come home right away don’t you think?

Oh, thank goodness, the Love Boat is setting a course for a new adventure. I need to get back on her good side!

“Love Boat soon will be making another run,
The Love Boat promises something for everyone,
Set a course for adventure,
Your mind on a new romance.”

“Love won’t hurt anymore.
Its an open smile on a friendly shore
Its love…
Its love…
Its love…
Its the Love Boat.
Its the Love Boat.”