A tricky question

I could barely hear my ten-year old niece’s voice over the phone line. You could tell she was reading from a handout her teacher had sent home, but the question she posed was clear as day. My niece was learning about the sacrament of marriage for her religious education class. She needed to talk with someone who was married and ask them what makes a marriage work. 

My wife and I looked at each other searching for the right words. I was thankful that it was phone call and that we weren’t using FaceTime and my niece couldn’t see either of our faces.

I wanted to suggest good wine, hard alcohol, and long showers as the secret ingredients to a good marriage, but I was smart enough to realize that at the moment it was best to keep my stupid sarcasm and humor to myself. Abraham Lincoln’s often quoted comment strangely came to mind: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Climbing a steep hill

Um, what do you say?

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to break her impressionable heart. I certainly didn’t want to tell her that half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. Finally my wife spoke. With her grace and charm, she talked about how couples need to share, communicate, and face challenges head-on. She talked about being best friends and being partners through good times and bad.

I let out a sigh and yelled, “Yea, yea, good answer, good answer.” I sounded like I just stepped foot off the stage of the American game show, the Family Feud, clapping my hands and enthusiastically jumping up and down on the couch, “Yea, yea, what she said.”

Round two

We weren’t done. My niece next asked us how we avoided problems or challenges. I thought about simply saying “ditto” and referring her back to question number one, but that didn’t feel fair to my niece and I could see her teacher wanting more details.

My wife stepped up again and told her how we talk each day and how we often go out each week for breakfast and talk about what’s going on at work or worries that we have and how we try to help each other.

I jumped in again, “yea, yea, that’s what we do.”

Put to the test

My niece asked us a few more questions, but we somehow made our way to the end. I felt like a bleary-eyed high schooler after taking the SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test) to get into college, wiping my brow and saying to anyone who would listen, “Whew, what a tough test.”

Oh, I’m not that clueless, I’m exaggerating a bit, but being put on the spot on my marriage has made me think and laugh about my responses. The questions reaffirmed my belief that anyone who tells you they have all the answers to lifelong marriage and merger of interests and personalities has no idea what he or she is talking about.

Spilling the beans

I don’t know why my wife and I work. There’s definitely a formula to the secret sauce, but I have no idea what it is. The only thing I know is that it works. I have a few special things that I try to focus on: to be appreciative; being there for her; acting like we’re still dating and appreciating her even though we’ve been married for 30 years has helped, but beyond that, I feel like it’s anyone’s guess why we’ve been one of the marriages that has lasted.

In the grand scheme of things though I try not to worry about the recipe or formula and just be thankful that we’re together.

Next question!