Nervous jitters

I drove around the back of the building and pulled into an empty parking space. I took a deep breath and hesitated. I just wanted to put my head in the sand and never come out, but I knew I couldn’t, I needed a job.

However, I hesitated, because I wasn’t sure where to go. There were two different doors in the rear of the building. I had been in the building for my interview, but I had come in through the front entrance. The last thing I wanted to do was to be the guy that got lost on his first day on the job, so I waited ten minutes to watch others coming into work to see which one they chose.

I was young, 22 or so, and I was starting my first real job at the small daily newspaper in the town where I grew up. I straightened my tie and got out of my car. I couldn’t wait any longer or I would be late. My heart pounded so loud I thought someone might be able to hear it. 

A bundle of nerves

Oh, I’ve never been good with first days. I’ve written about first day of school jitters several times in the past and I’m sure I’ll write about them again. When I start something new, I always feel like I’m lost at sea and have lost my bearings. It’s the most unsettling feeling.

All these years later, it’s still the same for me.

I had a first day in a new job last week and I felt clammy all day. I felt like everyone was watching me and felt awkward and I didn’t even have to go anywhere. I didn’t have to commute to a new office building or even find my desk. The job is remote, so I simply had to walk to my back office and log into the network, but I still felt like I was seven-years-old and meeting new teachers and students for the first time.  

A case of the jitters

Of course, my voice squeaked when I introduced myself and I laughed a little too loudly when a colleague made a joke about the weather. I weighed everything I said three or four times and over-analyzed my every move. I have a hard outside shell, but inside I was a mushy mess.

I’ll be like this for awhile until I figure out my way and how I can best contribute. I’m human, but I have high expectations of myself and always feel like I make first days, err, really first weeks, harder than they really need to be. If I could just jump ahead in the story of my life eight to twelve weeks from now, life would be so much easier.

But as much as I want to do that, I know that this is the good stuff. I know this is good for me. It’s just like green vegetables, get over the first impression and it’s all going to be great. Does anyone else have issues with first days? I can’t be the only one.

Let me know what you think.

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First Day Jitters!