Going to the mattresses

My wife and I are looking for a new mattress. Ours has seen better days. The mattress slumps in the middle and squishes on the sides. You can forget about getting a good night’s sleep. We wake up feeling worse than when we went to bed.

The only one who actually enjoys sleeping on our mattress is Nittany, our family dog. And she just likes it because she can snuggle against us, keep herself warm, and we don’t chase her away. The mattress is a real mess.

“No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.”

— Carrie Snow

The three bears

We’ve been shopping for a new mattress for the past few weeks, but without much luck. We can’t seem to agree on our likes and preference: This one’s too hard, that one’s too soft. We’re the Goldilocks of bed shoppers.

I shouldn’t be that surprised. We’re that way about pillows too. This one is too rigid; another is too soft. My wife will finally find one that she likes, but the material is not “cool” enough to the touch. I want to make fun of her discerning tastes, but I’m just as bad.

“I always say ‘morning’ instead of ‘good morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I’d still be asleep.”

— Anonymous

We’ve bought a few mattresses over the years, but the search seems more challenging now. The brand names all seem to converge together: Sealy, Serta, Simmons, Sleep Number, Stearns & Foster, Sleepys, Casper, Nectar, Purple, and any number of other manufacturers. We like them in the store, but never really love them when we bring them home.

In the movie, The Godfather, Sonny Corleone talks of “going to the mattresses” to fight the rival gangs. I suspect my wife and I need to start thinking of going to war with the mattress manufacturers in order to get a better sleep. Our biggest problem is we’re not sure how much we want to spend on a bed. You can spend nowadays as little as a few hundred dollars and up to thousands of dollars.

“Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!”

— Anonymous

Making our final choice

I thought we had a real winner a few weeks ago. My wife said she found the perfect bed, but she prefaced her choice by saying I wouldn’t be happy about her selection. My thoughts went straight to the obvious. I thought to myself, “it must cost a small fortune, as much as a house or car, and be hard as a rock.”

I braced myself and asked how much. “Oh, it’s not expensive, it’s just going to cost you.” I was confused. “Oh, when you’re not snoring, I love falling asleep on you.”

While that’s nice and all, it’s not a permanent solution. I guess it’s safe to say, we’re back to Square One.

“When the going gets tough, the tough take a nap.”

— Tom Hodgkinson