You’re a mean one, Mister Grinch!

Theodor Seuss Geisel’s work includes some of the most popular children’s books of all time. In fact, it’s estimated that he’s sold over 600 million to 700 million copies worldwide. The Cat in the Hat and Green Eggs and Ham have sold millions of copies by themselves.

There’s no other word for it. Dr. Seuss was a genius.

However, I’ve noticed something else about Dr. Seuss.

When I sat yesterday and listened to his song, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” — written and composed for the 1966 animated special Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! — I realized that besides everything else, Dr. Seuss was also a master of the insult.

He could’ve just called Mister Grinch mean, unkind, or even one bad dude. But no, he took the insults to a new level. When you throw in Albert Hague’s music and singer Thurl Ravenscroft’s memorable bass voice, the insults are out of of this world.

Here’s what I mean:

Verse 1:
You’re a mean one, Mister Grinch
You really are a heel
You’re as cuddly as a cactus
You’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch
You’re a bad banana with a greasy, black peel.

So listeners get it right away, Mister Grinch is one scary villain. But no, Dr. Seuss doesn’t stop there.

Verse 2:
You’re a monster, Mister Grinch
Your heart’s an empty hole
Your brain is full of spiders
You’ve got garlic in your soul, Mister Grinch
I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole.

A thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole? Not a ten- or twenty-foot pole. But a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot one. Now that’s despicable.

Verse 3:
You’re a vile one, Mister Grinch
You have termites in your smile
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile, Mister Grinch
Given a choice between the two of you
I’d take the seasick crocodile.

Seasick crocodiles have to be a handful. Mister Grinch, you’re a loathsome beast.

Verse 4:
You’re a foul one, Mister Grinch
You’re a nasty wasty skunk
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk, Mister Grinch
The three words that best describe you are as follows
And I quote
“Stink, stank, stunk.”

If someone gets an Amazon review of “Stink, stank, stunk,” he or she can’t be trying very hard. You really need to change your ways. That’s like a 1-star review. You’re horrible. Unwashed socks? Wash your clothes, take a shower. Full of gunk? You’re a miserable, repugnant mess!

Verse 5:
You’re a rotter, Mister Grinch
You’re the king of sinful sots
Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched
With moldy purple spots, Mister Grinch
Your soul is an appalling dump heap
Overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment
Of deplorable rubbish imaginable
Mangled up in tangled up knots.

Let me get this right. “King of sinful sots.” Damn that’s nasty. “A dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots.” Um, Mister Grinch, you’re downright horrible. “Appalling dump heap.” Oh, that’s odious to the core. Ugh.

Verse 6:
You nauseate me, Mister Grinch
With a nauseous super “naus”
You’re a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked hoss, Mister Grinch
You’re a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich
With arsenic sauce.

It’s not just sauerkraut and toadstool, but it’s topped off with arsenic sauce. Oh man, you suck. It doesn’t get any worse than that. No writer living or dead can come up with a better put down. Mister Grinch, you’re . . . oh yes, you’re yucky!