Talkin’ about small talk

My wife and I were invited out recently to a large gathering. I knew a few people but even the ones I knew I didn’t know all that well. Within a few minutes, I was a loss for words and found myself resorting to basic small talk. I wouldn’t say I walked into my version of the fiery gates of Hell, but it wouldn’t be too far off from the truth.

Yes, most people hate to be thrown into situations like that, but it’s a huge pet peeve for me.

Things that make you go “Ugh“

Why I hate small talk?

  • It’s hard. It’s emotionally draining. It doesn’t come easy. My brain spins thinking of things to say.
  • It’s annoying. I don’t find it productive.
  • It’s frustrating. I’ll ask a question and I’ll get a blank stare back from the other person. I’m not asking them to split the atom. I asked if they had a good weekend or how their day is going?
  • It’s superficial and often a waste of time. I love deep conversations. Small talk is about as far away from a deep conversation as Wilmington, Delaware is to Los Angeles, California.

Fortunately, thanks to trial and error, I have gotten better. Oh, I’m still an introvert, but here’s a few things that have helped.

How I’ve gotten better at small talk?

  • Like everyone else, I want to feel that I’m being truly heard and seen. I’ve stopped blaming myself for the success or failure of a conversation. It takes two. Instead, I take it with a grain of salt.
  • I have open-ended questions of others memorized and ready to go if I need them. People generally like to hear themselves talk.
  • I let it be. It is what it is.
  • I use people’s names. People like to hear their name. You mention their name they seem to feel they have a stake in the game. They give more of themselves.
  • Listen actively and show interest in what others have to say. Most people are such horrible listeners that when you actually listen, they really do take notice.
  • Look for common ground. For example, I’m never going to be a fan of horror movies. But I can still talk with the biggest horror movie fan at the party on great movie lines. And yes, The Shining, one of the great horror movies and its classic line “Here’s Johnny” ranks up with some of the best.

How about you? How do you manage in small talk situations?

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55 thoughts on “Talkin’ about small talk”

    1. I hear you LA. I avoid them like the plague. My wife is used to me trying to get out of them. She has to let me how long we have to stay. (For any real life friends reading, I really do love you. Ha, ha.) LA, the funny thing . . . if you run into someone who loves writing like you or reads your blog, I bet the small talk goes away and you have a great time. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s my guess!

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  3. I am the buffer in my circle. My sister will invite me because she knows she can plug me into any circle and I’ll chat away with anyone. It’s hard work sometimes because some people just stare back at me. Crickets. lol the bottom line is that I’m chatty until I’m exhausted with no one else to talk to.

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    1. I used to find myself in that buffer role too. I’m probably not as good at filling it like I used to be. I wanted to everyone to be happy and enjoying themselves. Ha, ha. And you’re so right, it really is an exhausting position. People have no problems just staring back at you. I would always be shocked. Ha, ha. Hang in there Kiki.

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      1. lol you too!! After I hit send before I forgot to include my new small talk feature which is running quite well in social circles and the hair salon…lol I call it “So what are you streaming and binging on lately”. People seem to open up about their likes and dislikes and I get to hear about series I never heard of!

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  4. Small talk makes me feel small, Brian. I like to blow past that kind of stuff, as you noted use the person’s name, and immediately find common ground in responses so we can have as real a conversation as possible. Chit chat does not speak to me at all. If I am investing the time in speaking to someone, I want us both to get the most out of it.

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    1. “If I am investing the time in speaking to someone, I want us both to get the most out of it.” Exactly. If I’m investing the time, I want it to be productive. Unfortunately, I don’t think everyone thinks like that. Hence, I’m horrible at it. Ha, ha.

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  5. Like you, I am a basic introvert. In addition, however, because I saw a few thousand clients over my career as a clinical psychologist, I know a little bit about a lot of things. I can use them if necessary.

    These days, however, people my age do try to avoid large groups (think parties and restaurants) because of the volume of sound, despite wearing AI hearing aids.

    That said, you have a strength in wanting to get beyond the small talk. The NFL wide receivers would be happy if you joined them in “going deep.”

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  8. I don’t enjoy small talk, but I do like to listen and find connections with people. When I worked with my husband in the financial industry for a few years, we newbies had workshops on listening and interacting with people. I found it interesting that things I do naturally (maybe from being a reporter, listening and asking questions) others needed to learn.

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    1. Great point Elizabeth. I do have to laugh that the listening part which comes natural for me is such a new thing for others. I do tend to think it’s a writer thing. We first listen to write. I’m not sure others always have that. I’ve sat in some of those same financial services trainings . . . and it always made sense to me that you’d need to listen first before you tried to nurture or build a relationship.

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      1. Exactly. It’s funny you went to the same financial trainings. It is common sense to listen to build a relationship. So many brokers want to talk about themselves instead of listening to their clients.

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  10. Can you please share your list of open-ended questions? I abhor small talk, but I also know it’s like a secret ingredient for opening up real conversations. I love to listen to people talk on a wide variety of topics, but I’m not always sure how to steer them in a positive direction.

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    1. Oh I’m with you Rose. I try to steer others to what interests them? How they know the host? I approach it almost like an interview. What gets them interested? No yes or no questions. But instead how and what questions. People like to hear themselves talk. I’m so-so at it but it’s better than dead air. 😎😎😎😎

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  13. Oh, I dread small talk. “Superficial” sums it up best! It all seems so forced. There’s only so much one can say about the weather, you know? Having said that, you have some good tips here, Brian. Particularly about using people’s names. Great advice, Brian!

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  14. Small talk becomes tedious only if it’s with one or two people in a small gathering. But if it’s a lot of people it’s easier because the amount of small talk per person reduces and you can just move onto the next. That’s my experience from being an awkward small-talker haha. Any kind of talking is fun if it’s with the right person. My problem is I’m not impressed by people who are seemingly willingly not self-introspective. So I can’t bother making efforts of small talk with such people. As long as it works I’m standing there like an awkward ghost. If I’m coaxed into it then they get a flat faced response from me because that is who I am. They eventually get used to it. 😂

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  15. Open-ended questions and let it be — such great tips! I’m with you, Brian. I prefer deep conversations. I love this post because it feels like a deep conversation about small talk!

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  16. Actually, I like small talk. I feel I get to know the person, at least a little. I’m not outgoing in a group of people, so small talk feels safe and comfortable.

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  17. It’s just the other day I was thinking about small talk and wanting to know what actually is small talk. I think it’s fate I have found this post, I think I have avoided them my whole life

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    1. I think it’s the small conversations we all have in life. Yes, it’s the chit chat when you meet someone knew at a family birthday get together or the conversation with someone waiting in line. I think of it as the small conversations we have in life. We all survive these conversations. I just think some of us are better at them than others. Ha, ha.

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  18. I know we’ve discussed this before in other comments, but I (usually) enjoy it. If I’m small talking with someone who really isn’t my cup of tea, at least I know I can extract myself without too much effort.

    And if it’s someone I’m curious about, I find it’s a great way to listen, see what topics light them up or shut them down, and just get to know them without scaring them too much with big feelings. Usually, about 3 minutes in, people start admitting all kinds of wild secrets to me, and I’ve always thought that is just the magic of setting the stage for them and listening. I think your tactic of using names and open ended questions would probably produce similar results!

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    1. When I’m at my next party and I’m struggling to make a connection, I’m looking for you Jessica. I’m good about asking questions and getting people to light up, but after a while I lose patience. I’m sure it’s frustration building up. Why am I putting in all the work. Ha, ha. But the way you describe it, it doesn’t sound so frustrating. Ha, ha. Look for me I’ll be the crazy guy by himself in the corner. 🙂 🙂

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      1. This is an amazing plan. I feel like you’re writing a treatment for a reality show. Two people walk into a cocktail party; one loves small talk, the other hates it. Watch as they work together to get the party guests to have a conversation interesting enough to keep them both engaged for more than 5 minutes. See if anyone shares a juicy secret. Are we hooked? Or are we stuck in awkward silence that leads to bored comments about the weather and sports teams? What will happen next on… As the Martini Shakes?

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      2. Oh you’re giving my writing way too much credit Jessica, but I’ll take it. I love the scene you’ve set up . . . the small talk lover and the hater. Now I could watch that reality show forever. Just to see how the two react. And you have the perfect name: As the Martini Shakes. I’m in!!!!! Where do I watch!!! Ha, ha.

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  19. Small talk is the absolute worst, and one of the reasons why I hate social events. The trick and relief is when you discover everyone is in the same boat as you – and you can then breathe easier!

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  21. Like you, I hate small talk, it’s an introvert thing, but I can engage in it because I know that a lot of people don’t know what to talk about at gatherings. I usually start with something related to the event; if it’s a birthday, I might share something about myself when I was young, or something like that. I try to use the particular event to start the conversation, and depending on how much the other person shares, I’ll continue using their comments to keep the small talk going. It’s definitely hard, so I avoid it if possible.

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