The nine realms of Hell – The Beach Version

I took one step and then another. Each one felt like fiery balls of flames had reached up beneath the sand and scorched the bottom of my feet. The hell with dainty steps. I made a mad dash to the water. I’m sure I pushed up sand on the other people on the beach, but I was in survival mode.

“Sorry, sorry, excuse me, sorry.” Yea, I was “that” guy.

We had gotten to the beach on Friday afternoon. I sat under my umbrella for about an hour. When I was bored with my book, I decided to check out the waves. I clearly wasn’t thinking. I knew the sand was hot, but I didn’t realize how hot. Even at 75°F (24°C), sand in direct sunlight can reach over 100°F (38°C). And the temperature on Friday was well above 75°F. Fortunately, when I got closer to the water, the heat let up.

As I soaked my feet in the ocean surf, Dante’s Inferno came to mind. It’s the first part of Italian writer Dante Alighieri’s 14th century narrative poem The Divine Comedy. In it, Dante describes Hell as having nine layers. The circles, from top to bottom, are: Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and Treachery. They spiral downward, gradually increasing in wickedness, until reaching the bottom point which is as far from heaven as possible.

I’m not much of a theologian or comparative literature expert, but hot sand sure does sound like it’s the First Circle. When I once again found refuge under my umbrella, I came up with eight other layers with a beach twist. Here they are:

–Second Circle – Lust: Getting suntan lotion in your eyes. Lust in the heart, burning in the eyes, right? Burn baby burn.

–Third Circle – Gluttony: Having problems getting out of your beach chair. (Damn, those chairs are low to the ground.)

–Fourth Circle – Greed: Forgetting your hat, cash, suntan lotion, umbrella in your car or house and having to walk back to get them. Greed will get you every time!

–Fifth Circle – Anger: Dropping your phone in the sand. You’ll be picking sand out of the crevices for the next ten months. And just to really upset you, you’ll accidentally drop your water bottle too. Every drip of condensation will now be filled with sand. Are we having fun yet?

–Sixth Circle – Heresy: You loaded up on sun tan lotion before you hit the beach but that doesn’t mean a thing. The sun has crazy-exact radar. It knows how to get you where you’re least protected. Burn anyone?

–Seventh Circle – Violence: Jellyfish look squishy and safe. However, they can leave stinging sores. These sores can ruin a beach trip. It’s like a Buffalo that looks all soft and cuddly. Once it gets upset though, it can gore you, sending you ten counties away.

–Eight Circle – Fraud: Can you say attack of the sea gulls. They know when you have food and they’re ready to attack.

–Ninth Circle – Treachery: Crowds, crowds, crowds. If you need to drive to the beach, searching for a parking space can make anyone lose patience. And even if it’s right outside your door, there’s nothing to say that you’ll find an actual spot on the beach. And if you do, it will most certainly be located right next to the guy that’s determined to have the loudest boom box on the beach. And he’s determined to play “Escape” (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes as many times as humanly possible. Are we having fun yet?

Yes, there are definitely nine realms of hell on the beach. Can you think of anything to replace or compare to my nine? Good luck.